Healing Through Art
Healing Lady No. 1
Introducing the Healing Ladies
As a child we dream about what we will become when we reach the age of old. If you would have asked me at age six I would have told you I wanted to be an 'Olympic ice skater'. If you asked me at eight, maybe I would have said 'a veterinarian', but if you had asked me at thirteen I would have simply told you I wasn’t even sure if I would even exist by old.
Woah - introduction much? Well, since you're still here let me tell you about my healing ladies, and the reason they exist.
Today I live with complex post traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) due to various abuse I experienced throughout my childhood. My C-PTSD manifests as severe depression, general anxiety, mood complications, thoughts of suicide and a belief of no self worth. Worse - I can feel like l like I'm in a dark hole, viewing the world through a cloudy glass, only hearing muffled noises when spoken to. When triggered, I can have complete dissociation; meaning I lose myself in time, thought, and go where I call ‘wonderland’. I ‘live in space’ in moments like this. It’s been my experience that space is a safer place to exist.
In 2020, I found a way back down from space through art and therapy, and art as therapy. I am working on myself… There’s just a lot to unpack. This is where the healing ladies came in. I spent early portions of the pandemic lock-downs in a constant trigger; as a child I was forced into isolation in many ways. I was homeschooled from an elementary age until 11th grade, and describe my education as my literal escape. Through virtual therapy, I started to work through releasing the guilt and ownership over my lived experiences, and this only felt real to me after painting my lady in space. These initial paintings of my series represent this letting go of something I had no control over. I had no idea where they would lead me, but they gave me joy and when I shared them with my friends, they gave others joy.
No. 02
No. 03
Many of my early art has been gifted to the friends I held close during my time of weakness. They were there for me - and I've given them part of me in return.
It took a long time for me to get through this space, but I've gotten through worse. Literally. If you've read my 'about' information I mentioned a small business which I owned to support my family. A missing detail would be that I was not even a teenager when it started. And I was still a teenager when I left my remaining brother and sisters at home.
I come from a family of seven children. This was not for religious purposes, nor were we part of any cult. I often was placed in a position of parent and spent many years caring for all needs of my younger siblings. Structure and education were withheld from us, and we often faced housing and food insecurities. I want to tell you this experience made me stronger, but the truth is this experience destroyed me, and I survived it.
I am still here. Just occasionally lost... hopeless.
No. 04
No. 05
No. 06
No. 07
No. 08
No. 09
No. 10
No. 11
No. 12
No. 13
No. 14
No. 15
Feeling.... something
Each and every one of my ladies represented a feeling, or a memory; a moment that stuck for longer than it should have. Releasing my guilt over the memory; the pain, grief, ownership. Hoping tomorrow to be better.
It was only at this point in the series that I was feeling free of that ownership of what happened to me. Through letting go, I was able to move.... somewhere? The darkness was still so... dark, and I felt empty and lost.
No. 16 & 17
No. 18
Finding the colors in the darkness
When I said there was a lot to unpack, I meant it. Decades of living with trauma and mental illness, compounded with the real trauma that is a global pandemic made this healing process complicated in a lot of ways. I had to be persistent in my healing journey for myself. It was one of the hardest things I think I've done for myself.
But I started to see color. I started to look towards that color, finding support in my chosen family and the ability to speak my truth was.... freeing. I started to feel it; it wasn't my fault I experienced what I did. I was a child, and not in control of my existence. What I said or what I was forced to do, and how I acted out were normal reactions to abnormal situations.
No. 19
Finding Color in Darkness
No. 20
My mind
No. 21
My voice
No. 22
My choices
No. 23
Let it go
No. 24
Creating.... something
No. 25
Fading into darkness
No. 26
Lost
No. 27
Hold them close
No. 28
Rigged
No. 29
False Idol
No. 30
Self Portrait
No. 31
Broken
No. 32
Finding color
No. 33
Exhaustion
I found my base emotions - and I am going to own them.
Color is complex, and represent so many feelings and emotions. These images have been created with the colors you see, black, and white. There are no more stars in these paintings. Only darkness. I attempted not to mix other colors, but work simply in the shades of the feeling wrapped in the weight of darkness. Grief was the first painting of this because it represented the strongest emotion to me at the time. Grief for my childhood, education, relationships and more. The concept of painting grief ironically enough was of a mother; a migrant mother to be exact. The photo by Dorothea Lange of Florence Owens Thompson always stuck in my head as the expression which showed true grief - however different than mine. In discovery of her path in life, I learned that Florence ended up in a much better place than the poor photo presented and that gave me hope. Even with hope, I felt the echoes of pain from my experiences were more clear in my head, even if they caused me less distress the fear, pain, guilt and hatred come in waves with the memories. Fear was a constant existence for a long period of time.
While these were core, it wasn't all that was there. Anxiety, Passion, and Insecurity are also on the spectrum. I may explore further colors over time, but I can now literally face my feelings and address my roots.
No. 34
Grief
No. 35
Echoes of Pain
No. 36
Fear
No. 37
Anxiety
No. 38
Passion
No. 39
Insecurity
Now 2023, Life Goes On. So long as I wake up, I am stronger than dead.
Fun fact about me: I LOVE animals of any and every variety. Insects and invertebrates are of particular interest to me. Over my lifetime I have found peace in animals, and I love watching creatures exist as they are as a grounding technique. The following images have been created after months of continued therapy and multiple interests and hobbies which included the accumulation of a menagerie of critters which now fill my life with love and joy. I am stronger now. I am still here. I'm grounding, but never losing my curiosity. These snails represent a new life - one which can carry on, however is necessary.
No. 40
Stronger Than Dead
No. 41
Snail in Space
No. 42
Stronger Than Dead pt. 2